Strange dream to start weekend with

I had the strangest dream last night...well, actually our cat woke me up at 9 so I went to let it out and went back to sleep and that is when I had the dream.

I dreamt that me, martin, ove, jens and my friend marcus' girlfriend Kia were waterskiing. All of a sudden Kia says something about me having lots of women so I must be a really good kisser. She then says that she wants to "try me" so she starts making out with me :O

Martin then whips out his schlong and starts jackin' it while he's watching right there in the boat. After he's done he starts measuring his unit and man, let me tell ya', the freakin' thing is fucking enormous! It was like, half the size of his arm! But his scrotum was really small and puny. I actually commented that I had a larger sack than him.

After we came ashore Jens decides to show me the place where he used to live. Turns out it was under a cement structure on an old abandoned boatyard. Apparently he was a bum before he became a farmer. His girlfriend then shows up and becomes jealous because we are sitting on a blanket and she assumes that we are on a date.

I also dreamt something about Fontana but I can't remember that.

The one time I wished I had camera-phone

Yesterday me and my good friend martin hosted our second "porn and Hot Dog party". It was only me, martin and marcus attending but we had a lot of laughs nonetheless. Ove and his girlfriend went to the movies and when they came back she didn't seem all that interested in joining in on the fun and commenting on the techniques used and having a few "dogs".
We watched a couple of cool movies and then graded them based on a number of factors.
Here are my scores. The other guys may disagree. I'll probably leave a couple out so martin will have to fill us all in on those then.

The first film we watched was a classic story of love between a man and a woman.
Story: Okay, so this guy and his friend with a camera goes to the beach and picks up a Brazilian woman. They go back to his apartment and gets it on.
Negatives: It took forever for them to get it on! It was like a freakin' language tutorial in the beginning. A bit too much of a story there. The chick was obviously NOT a native Spanish or Portugese speaker judging by the pronounciation. When they finally got it on the guy went limp a number of times (like 5-6 and by porn standards that is a lot). He also had a pretty small unit. If I want to see a schlong like that I just pull down my pants. Geez.
The chick was very unconvincing that she was enjoying it.
Positives: She wasn't bad looking.
Score: 5/10

Bang Bus.
Story: A couple of hispanic guys in a mini bus with a Spanish girl. They convince her to do stuff.
Negatives: The chick was a mother! They squirted milk from her boobs on the windows. That's just sick. She wasn't very attractive at all. The dudes were not really lookers either but fortunately they weren't on camera that often. They also used demeaning language such as "we own you now" which left a bad aftertaste.
Positives: The guy had a pretty good looking unit.
Score: 1/10

Next film.
Story: A guy in nothing but a tool belt enters a bedroom and starts talking to his actress-wife about her hectic day. He removes his belt and they get it on.
Positives: Classic porn-storyline. The man was hung like a donkey. Very impressive..at least length wise. The chick was hot. They broke the bed.
Negatives: The guy had long hair.
Score: 8/10

One more
Story: German janitor enters tanning room in swimming hall and finds naked hot chick in tanning bed. He says something in German, they get it on.
Positives: The chick was hot! The guy had a massive unit!
Negatives: The film didn't work properly. The guy was bald and ugly and used a penis ring so he wouldn't go limp...but still did (at least partly). The film ended abruptly with no real finish.
Score: 6/10

Another one. You students of Japanese will love this one.
Story: A Japanese dude meets Geisha or something. They get it on.
Positives: The guy had some crazy-ass moves! You just had to see it to believe it. Like a freakin' samurai-kamikaze-porn-dude. Funny dialogue.
Negatives: The chick wasn't very hot. Small unit, but was expected as Asians are generally not as equipped as caucasians or black dudes.
Score: 7/10 (his moves did it)

The milf
Story: A couple of guys goes to rent a video game. Meet a mom looking for a video game for her son. They go home, get it on.
Positives: She seemed really into it there for a while.
Negatives: She wasn't very...toned..a bit flabby...but hey, if you like that kind of stuff. A bit too much story in the beginning. Too long before they finished.
Score: 8/10 (enthusiasm does a lot)

The winner.
Story: A girl goes to the bathroom. Boyfriend enters, they get it on.
Positives. The girl was smokin' hot. Very cute. The best looking one of the bunch. Very..umm...inspiring.
Negatives: No real f**king action, only BJ, which was the major drawback of this movie.
Score: 9/10

After we had enjoyed this feast of cinematic excellence me and marcus went out. Martin had an ear infection so he stayed at home. We first went to Fontana but the place was pretty dead. It seems as though Royal Night is the IN place right now. I predict that it will stay as such all through the summer unless Fontana manages to pull something off. Definately, if you are "in the know" you go to Royal. Simple as that. Which was what I did after a while. Marcus went home.

I went to the bathroom and heard a couple of weird moans and such from a bathroom stall. It became obvious that someone was having sex in there...I cursed the fact that I don't have a camera phone...and that it wasn't me in there..oh well...

No, chicks cramping my style tonight though. I danced with...one at least but she disappeared and I was in no mood to chase. As I got my jacket I noticed my brother had called a bunch of times and sent me a message saying that he needed a place to crash. He had been to some party with his Japanese-studying mates. I must say that I am impressed that he does a thing like that even though his Finnish leaves a little something to be desired. I encourage him to do more stuff like that. Maybe we guys are a bit too ...un-deep for his tastes...or something. Either way, do more of that...it's like..half of student life you know. For more info about that party you will have to ask him or read his blog or something.

It's a grooming question

I have come to the conclusion that I am definately someone who could shave one's testicles.
I have for a long time wondered what it would be like and contemplated potential dangers and difficulties of the process.

I read somewhere that women like when you "clean the area" a bit, you know just tidying up around the back yard so to speak. I am all for that kind of thing actually even though I haven't really tried it to any great extent. I figure if I start doing that I am just half a step away from going all out and shaving my balls porno-style.

I already use moisturiser, face masks and exfoliate once or twice a week (thanks to Queer Eye for the Straight Guy) so I think I have "tendencies" towards going that way...but not in a gay way...

But if I were gay I would definately prefer my lover to shave and/or wax his...umm...stuff...and...umm...entry/exit..."area"...as I would imagine hair would get stuck when you...umm... forget it! This is getting to be a bit too gay.

Depression over

I have for a number of months been under the impression that I am picky when it comes to girls I consider ”girlfriend material”. However, I have never really taken the time to sit down and try to figure out exactly what it is I want. You know, sort of like writing a list for Santa Clause. So here we go.

1. I must be able to trust her
2. She must be honest
S3. he must respect me
These three are really a combined number one. Without trust, honesty and respect I cannot see ANY relationship working out. This is non-negotiable, 100% requirements. Of course this is a two-way street as well. The same standards apply to me.

The following are in no particular order of importance.

4 She should be confident
5 She should feel comfortable with her body (that means she shouldn’t have a fucked up body image)
6 She should work out regularly and keep fit even when she is in a relationship
7 She should BE fit (I won’t jump into a relationship with a fat disgusting slob who has just started working out regularly)
8 She should be kind
9 She should be caring
10 She should have style and care about her apperance (that way she can also help me pick out clothes and stuff)
11 She should have a similar sick sense of humour that I have
12 She should have seen a tractor (if she hasn’t she probably doesn’t understand where I come from as I grew up in the countryside)
13 She should love her family
14 She should have at least a couple of really good girlfriends
15 She should be affectionate
16 She should accept me for who I am
17 She should be intelligent (doesn’t have to be MENSA-caliber but at least be able to put 2 and 2 together)
18 She should have a pretty face
19 She should have been faithful in her previous relationships (no cheaters please)
20 She should have a positive, laid back attitude (no bitching about everything and thinking everything is crap, please)
21 She should be a lady in the street
22 ..but a freak in the bed
23 Practically a nymphomaniac (she has to be to keep up with me)
24 Have boobs (preferably C or large B’s please, absolutely no ”fried eggs”)
25 Be no younger than 4 years younger than me

Okay so that was 25 things off the top of my head. These are things I actively look for.
In addition to these it would be nice if
- she likes ”hair metal” (particularly Bon Jovi)
- she likes rollerblading and can keep up when I go out (which means it’s a workout and not a walk in the park kind of thing)
- she is blond (I like blonds)
- has long hair

In other news, I think I am over my minor depression from last weekend. Thanks to Rehanna and jacking off a lot I have finally cum to my senses. I figure what if there is a chick out on saturday that has/is all these things and I don’t meet her because I’m at home playing San Andreas.

On second thought, maybe that wouldn’t be so bad...San Andreas is a kickass game.

Rant about women

Warning
The following blog contains material that some women may find offensive. I say: fuck it.
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I've just about had it with women.
The constant bitching about every minute little detail and critisising of everything and everyone and their brother. I'm seriously considering just quitting alltogether and spending my weekends at home playing guitar.

You know how you come home from a particularly sucky evening at the clubs and you turn on mtv and whack it to the Sugababes or something and everything is allright with the world again? Yesterday even that didn't work. So what brought this on?

We went out again yesterday, me martin, marcus, jens and his woman. We had a pre-party at jens' woman's apartment and later headed to Royal. Thanks to marcus girlfriend we got in for free, which is very much appreciated. The place was frekin' packed and there were loads of drunk men...and a lot of black dudes as well...even more than usual I think.

Martin and I also saw a couple of the hottest asian chicks we have ever seen. I mean EVER! I'm not a big fan of Asian women but these chicks were smokin' hot. My brother would probably have creamed his pants right there...I have somehow gotten the idea that he likes asian chicks...maybe because he studies Japanese and shit.

The dance floor was packed and people were bumping into each other like crazy. I thought it was only a matter of time before a fight would break out but I was wrong. No fight. Very surprising because it was crazy.

My ex who we call C was out with her friends.
The chick I was talking to a while ago was out with her friend/s. Let's call her A
The 18 year old I met yesterday was out with her friend/s. Let's call her B

First things first.
I *thought* I was in the clear with chick A since I had fuckin' told her that I didn't want a relationship. Apparently she hadn't gotten the message and has been sending me messages every now and then. Earlier in the evening she sent a message saying something to the effect of if I wanted a dance partner I should let her know bla bla bla..I was at a pre-party and didn't notice so naturally she thought I took offense so she apologised for it. In the past week I think she has apologised like five times for various things. Enough already! Play your fuckin' hand and stand by it. Don't give me this apologetic crap.

Second; I foresee a future where that fuckin' 18-year old will start pestering me. She is 18. Too young...nuff said! That situation isn't that bad, just a hassle really.

Third.
As we were going home I agreed to give C and her friends a ride home. As we were walking to the car C starts bitching about all kinds of things. She was bitching about stuff that happened on an Åland-trip, some things marcus or ove had said or something and then she started bitching about the women I hit on since I'm single. Jesus H CHRIST!

She went on and on and on about how I should set my standards higher and how I make HER look bad. Apparently there are criterias I need to follow...hers. Among other things I wasn't allowed to pick up "fat chicks"...I think her exact words were "heavier than me" (ie her).
I COULD have reminded her about when we were together and she was 5-6 kg heavier and was bitching about that all day but I didn't.

So yeah, right now I just have that feeling that I just want to quit, sit at home, buy a tube of lube, watch porn and whack it. Go to bed early after watching a movie. Fuck them bitches.
Over the day though I have revised the opinion to only going celibate for 3-4 months, phasing all women who aren't my relatives out of my life and just being Martin's wing man when need be. 'Cause once you let one of 'em fuckers into your life they'll fuck it up with all the drama and bitching.

And now for a more positive attitude.
I had a dream tonight about me and my friends going out to eat at a proper resturant, not a pizza place or junk food joint the way we normally would. It was a hassle getting there because an alarm in my car went off saying that there was oil in the water tank so I needed to burn it.

When we got to the resturant our table was located at a staircase..basically in a corridor.
It took us four hours to eat. Martin upset the waiter, some turkish guy, three or four times by telling racist jokes and throwing up a bit and wiping his nose with the table cloth. When we were about to leave and got the check Ove didn't have any money...only about 4 euros.
But it was still fun. I hope we get to do it in real life sometime...only without the puking, mad Turks and lack of money.

Jailbait

Me, martin and jens went out last night. Ove was somewhere running in the forest and marcus was enjoying a romantic meal with his woman. As a change of pace we went to Fontana as we hadn't been there in quite a while.

It was pretty slow at the start but it picked up around one. Before that we just sat at the bar taking it easy...talking about manly things...like emotions.

Martin made a comment about a chick sitting alone at the bar and how she obviously was out looking for a good time so naturally I had to test that theory and went to dance with her later. Martin was indeed correct as she pounced on me and started making out with me. Unfortunately she wasn't very good at it... It was sort of like that picture of the shark in Jaws where the shark comes up from below and is gong to attack a swimming chick. Of course it turned out she had turned 18 a month ago, which was quite a turn off.

Later we met her friends who were only 17 but had managed to get in somehow. Me and Martin hung out with them for a while and later on danced a bit with them. Jens had at this point gone home. Martin even managed to make out with one of them. You go bro!

Anyway, it was a fantastic team effort I must say, with martin spotting her at the bar and me taking it to...wherever I got it. I must really give props to my main man here for the excellent performance.

But we didn't ...you know...stick the wiener in the mustard or anything. Just so you won't go label us pedophiles or something.

Let's do it again tonight...but with older women...yeah!

I'd make a great "player"

* Disclaimer*
* In this text the term "player" refers to a person who lies and gives false expectations to women to get them into bed, only to drop them like a rotten potatoe when they are done. Some people (myself included) may find this definition incorrect or skewed. The term is used in this context only for the sake of simplifying the writing process*
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I have come to the conclusion that I'd make a great player.
I may not be the best at picking up women but once I get my foot in the door I like to think I'm pretty good at figuring out what makes the individual person tick and what they want at that particular time in their "relationship life".

A few weeks ago I met this chick and started talking to her. After a while it was obvious she was interested in me. However, I am not really in a place where I want a relationship so I told her this. I could easily (more easily than telling her the truth) have led her to believe that I was interested in a long term thing. I could easily have fed her a bunch of bulls**t, put on the charm and probably gotten her into bed within two or three weeks. But I didn't.

This weekend I met a chick who claimed that she time and time again had been disappointed by men and thus had no faith in any man she met. I took that as a compliment...seriously though...
It would have been so very easy again to lay it on thick and pretend to be a good guy only to srew her over.

The "problem" is that I actually have a conscience. I would feel horrible if I did something like that. Plus, it is also quite liberating to play with "all cards on the table". If someone still hangs around when I have been clear that I am not looking for anything serious it is their responsibility.

If it weren't for me actually being a nice guy I'd be great at it though.

Kielikylpy

Me and my friends went out yesterday. We had a warm up at macko's chik's apartment before heading out. The rest of the guys wanted to go to oliver's but I went straight to Royal Night. Mostly because the line to Oliver's was pretty long and it was getting to be quite late.

It was slow when I got there so I relaxed a bit and observed an old couple trying to dance to "smack my bitch up". Quite humorous. Then I noticed my ex girlfriend and her friends so I went over there and talked to them for a while. My ex commented that I smelled nice and her friends asked something about if I had been pumping iron. At last, after six years it's starting to show, hurrah.

Before I knew it the place was packed so it was time to get my groove thing on...which basically means going to the bathroom and haing a whizz and hitting the dance floor. I met a guy I have been talking to for some reason (he is a friend of a chick I have hit on sometime) and later I was joined by two of my ex's friends who we shall call A-sof and Zbbe. Then out of nowhere a strange guy came out and started shaking his money maker for us. It was martin.

After a little while I noticed that a short chick with enormous...eyes...was checking me out. Zbbe also noticed it so I decided that I'd hit on the chick a bit and see how it played out. So we danced a bit and stuff and then when her friends went off someplace she dragged me along and we started talking.

Turned out she was Finnish, which was nice because I could practice my language skills a bit. She looked freakishy familiar and after a while I remember that she works at a local supermarket. I have seen her at the cash register a few times. *drifting off to other tangents* You know how the jackets or shirts that employees at supermarkets wear are sized for elephants so you can't really see if the girl has any lovely lady lumps or not? Well, let me just say that in this case, you CAN tell even with the humongous shirt on. That should give you a clue about the size of ...umm..her eyes.

Naturally, she couldn't believe I wasn't drunk as a skunk. Her friends didn't believe me either. I'm contemplating getting one of those breathalyzers so I could prove it to people.

Aanyway...we danced for a while more later and I gave her a ride home. Obviously I will not reveal any further details because I'm a gentleman.

As we were dancing I look over and was shocked to see martin dancing with some chick. At least I think it was him. I didn't see what happened because I was...umm...busy... and I haven't heard from him so I can't say what happened or didn't happen but let's hope it turned out okay for our friend.

The following blog may contain material that some people find offensive. Reader dscretion is advised

I think it’s getting to be spring. Okay so we still have snowpiles the size of the ass of a chick one of my friends (who shall remain anonomous) porked once...and later considered porking again whilst drunk. But yesterday I saw a lot of pretty chicks at the gym. I remember it being the same last spring. Apparently chicks start thinking about getting in shape for the summer in early April. I also noticed quite a few lookers on town during my lunch break as well. As I was warming up in the gym I almost got a boner from all the chicks there.

All guys will probably remember being a teenager and sitting on the bus to school or something and getting a boner out of nowhere. I read somewhere that the vibrations of the buss can cause an instant hard on during the teens because you’re pumped full of testosterone and hormones and shit. This kind of thing is said to decrease as you age. It is also said that the sexual prime of a man is at 19 years old. I think I’m going to call bullshit on this.

Sure, it may not be as bad as when I was 16 but I can still get a stiffy if the wind blows in a funny direction. It takes very little to set the wheels in motion. I also remember that my record for choking the chicken is 6 times in one day, which I achieved a lonely day when I was 16. That one day was exceptional for sure but on average I doubt that the frequency has dropped significantly. For example, twice a day is pretty standard. If I didn’t have to go to work I’d probably clock in at 25-30 yanks a week. Yesterday I read that Charlie Sheen is a sex addict so I am starting to think that we are in fact long lost brothers.

Anyway, on the more pressing matters.
I went to the crapper yesterday at work to drop the kids off at the pool. As I sat there I started thinking about growing up and how certain things are different now from when I was younger. When I was a kid I didn’t like going to bathrooms I didn’t know. I am not sure exactly why but it just felt very uncomfortable. I always thought I’d lock myself in or that someone would storm in and make fun of me because of my insignificantly sized poo or something. Or sometimes I thought they (whoever ”they” were) were standing outside listening. Either way I didn’t like it at all. I even preferred holding it in and going to the bathroom when we got home. I don’t really have a fear of unknown bathrooms anymore but I do think it is somewhat embarrassing to take a gigantic dump in a public toilet when I know when someone else is in the room. When someone invents a toilet with a silencer I think the world will be a happier place.

Anyway, so the weekend is upon us soon. I’m planning on going out as usual. I haven’t been out at all this week because a) I have been saving a bit of money and b) springtime isn’t really as popular as autumn when it comes to student parties. Everyone is stressing out about their thesis or other projects so they stay home. Pretty soon the student party season will be over and it will be summer...if spring decides to show up for work at all this year. I can’t wait for it to get warmer so the chicks will start wearing short skirts and high heels and tight little summer tops and... oh I’m getting all worked up here.

Pampas-Week

Okay so this week has been Pampas week. For those of you who don't know what that is; tough s**t. If you really need to know you should find it on google or something. I can't be bothered to explain what it is since three fourths who read these ramblings already know what it is.

Anyway, it started on tuesday for me. I went to Fontana for the Syhfilis post-race party (student party thing). The people were not really in a party mood. The dance floor was pretty empty. Nothing really happened there so I went home early at 2 or something.

On thursday it was Pampas Eve. The line outside Oliver's Inn was as long as my friend Martin's private bits (that is freakin' enormous..dinosauric even) so I figured I'd go to Fontana and chill for a while and maybe head back later.

But when I got to Fontana I met some guys we had met in Åland. They were going to play a gig there so I stayed for a while to listen to them play. They were alright I guess but not really what I'm looking for. No real show there. I went home at about 1.30. Boring evening actually. Would probably have been better staying at home but these things happen.

On friday things started picking up. I had taken a day off from work so I even managed to squeeze in a workout before I started preparing to go out. At six I went to a friend's girlfriend's place for a pre-party thing. My friends and a bunch of people I don't know were there. Quite fun (I have pictures). We headed out at about 8.30. We managed to avoid the line, which was lucky for us because the word on the street is that some people had to stand in line for two hours to get in.

There were some great bands playing there. A band comprised of 16 year olds or something played an awesome set, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden, Scorpions etc. The lead guitarist played with his teeth, showed off, played behind his head and everything that is cool about playing guitar.

Rewind a few hours.
On the official Pampas website they had posted a maffia-quiz, a quiz about the members of the group organising the thing. A text at the end said: funny answers will be rewarded. So naturally I made up a bunch of stuff. That was actually a couple of weeks prior to Pampas. As I was about to go inside the building where the pre-party was I get a call on my cell-phone. It was the leader of the Pampas-Maffia reporting that I had won the quiz and was to receive the coveted Pampas-Pig on stage at some point during the evening.

So later on I went up on stage on was handed a stuffed, pink pig that I carried around with me during the entire night. Turned out to be quite the chick magnet that thing. The pig now resides in my book shelf.

Anyway, a friend of mine whose name starts with an 'M' and doesn't end with 'artin' got a bit drunk but later he straightened up. but not before losing a 20 Euro bill, which I luckilu for him found on the floor.

A chick I know stole Martin's house key and ran off with it in her bra. I later got that back from her. She is a bit crazy that one.

Martin reported that C had interrogated him about my "almost girlfriend", as she gently put it. He said that he thought she acted a bit jealous, asking a bunch of questions like "is she more attractive than me" and "are her boobs better looking". She also told me that she reservs the right to hate whoever I end up dating (the third time she has said that). I'm not really a big fan of that because she basically is saying that she'll dislike a person just for the sake of it.

Actually I was thinking about that the other night and came to the conclusion that if she wants to hate my future girlfriend and talk shit and stuff-sure, go ahead. She can preserve that "right". But then I will reserve the right to STOP talking to her as I obviously wouldn't want anything to do with someone who can't be civil to my girlfriend. At this point my sister is probably wondering if I am considering anyone for the position.

No.
I am not.
But when I do, that is what will happen.
*waves to mizzaaa*

So what happened with the chick I have been talking to a bunch?
Well, I met here again and talked to her a bit but we didn't spend the entire night together or anything. Just friendly chit-chat basically. As I have said before, I am not interested in a relationship right now. So let's drop it.

On saturday we went for zillis-breakfast, which was excellent. hot dog sausages, meatballs, eggs, bread...yummy! Especially since I just got up and went there. Martin stayed at home for that but the rest of us went. I brought the pig as well.

After the breakfast we went to Oliver's Inn for the hangover party. We only stayed a little while since the other guys were going to go watch hockey later on. Not really many people I know there but the place was packed.

I slept pretty much the entire remainder of the day and got up, ate and headed back to town to go out again. It was me, martin, jens, his chick, macko and his chick. Ove and his chick were at home making the beast with two backs I suppose. We headed for Royal Night.

Personally I thought you could tell that a lot of people were missing because it had been Pampas but Martin claimed that the place was packed. Okay it was packed for a while but towards the end it was quite slow. I was tired as well so I didn't bother with trying to pick up any chicks. I wanted to sleep and banging hot chicks is counter-productive to that. Plus, there'll always be next week.

Marcus and Kia went home early because someone wanted to..umm...do...someone..I mean someTHING! :p...Jens went home a bit after that so Martin and I was left behind, holding the fort for all the single men out there.

Another fight broke out on the dance floor. We didn't figure out what happened. Martin just heard a thud and saw three people on the floor. Again it took ages before the bouncers got there to straighten up the mess.

So that was basically it. I may remember more later on and have pictures.