It was pretty cool

Well, I had decided to go out yesterday, since I was missing in action last Saturday. Boy, what a crappy night that was! Okay, it was nowhere near as bad as the last time we went out but still, pretty crappy.

Earlier in the day, students in Vasa had been celebrating what is known as Fastlags-Tuesday; a day when you ride all sorts of weird things and contraptions down a snowy hill. In conjunction with that there had been arranged not less than three parties in clubs in Vasa later in the evening. Usually there are loads of people at these student parties. However, right now lots of schools have a break, a skiing holiday, which meant that there was no way three clubs could be filled with students.

I went to Giggling Marlin first thinking I’d pick up some Finnish chicks. The party never truly picked up. The place was half empty. I did find an ATM-card on the floor though and gave it to the bar personnel. I later met the owner who was ecstatic about getting his card back. Good deed done. Entrance to heaven ensured.

Anyway, at about 1Am I decided to call it quits and went to Fontana instead. There, a Swedish school had arranged a party. Usually it is harder picking up chicks when a Swedish school has arranged it because there are mostly Swedish speaking people there and those are not as slutty (for lack of a better word) as their Finnish brethren…or should that be sistren? I think it has something to do with the fact that we Swedish speaking Finns are a minority and so we pretty much know everyone in some way or another. Word gets around and you get a reputation or something.

But Finns are a different story. There is no way they all know each other and move in the same circles and therefore the word of mouth is limited. If you also take into account that I am not Finnish speaking it means that I don’t hang in their group either so I won’t spread the word. Not that I do that anyway…much. No seriously, I really don’t talk a lot about …you know…who I’ve banged.

Anyway, something very rare happened. Remember I was talking about the Sweden-Finland matchup and scoring right at the buzzer? Well, it was getting to be closing time. I was drinking a tall cool glass of water by the bar and this chick comes over and asks me to dance. I wasn’t really surprised because she had been dancing with me previously during the night as well…along with her hot, blond friend. She was a nice girl, from Helsinki of all places. Said she was staying at a her hot blond friend’s house, which meant I didn’t try to hit a home run because I had to get up to go to work in three hours and don’t want to leave a strange woman in my apartment. How’s that for crazy? I don’t mind sticking my ding dong in her yoohaa but won’t trust her not to steal my Skid Row albums. Well, at least I got three solid hours of sleep.

I had a dream about my ex. We were outside a club dancing in the street. The club was closed and apparently it was all the rage to have a big after party in the street outside. Me, Martin and john was there when she came over. I was scooping out some chicks and my ex gets pissy about it and says:
-“ Look at my face. This is me not being happy”
So I said: “Okay, whatever” and walked away. It was pretty cool.

Depressing

Goddamnsonofabitchshit! Finland lost to Sweden in the Olympic hockey finals. Usually I wouldn’t be all that upset about it because the past couple of years, in the world championships, Finland hasn’t played all that well to be honest. You could tell from the first few games that we wouldn’t make it to the finals, let alone win the whole thing.

This time though, Finland played an outstanding tournament. We had a good, reliable goalie, the defence seemed to work, the offence scored regularly, power play was working, box play was working and we even had a bit of luck on our side. When Finland managed to shut out Russia even when playing 3-5 I think everyone felt that this might be the year. The tiny ray of hope you have every year now turned into ”hey, we might be able to pull this off”. And then there was Sweden...

Nothing seemed to work. Finland’s game fell apart right from the start. Finland scored the first goal and there was a faint hope that maybe we could do what we did against the Russians, play safe and persistently, keep our heads cool and win it. Then came the equalizer, and the 2-1 to Sweden. Finland managed to tie the game but ten seconds into the third period when Sweden scored again you knew it would have to take a miracle and those never really seem to happen for Finland. Not in ice hockey anyway.

But I kept on watching the game right until the end, sitting there, hoping for that miracle. They say the last thing you lose is hope, and so we were hoping, the ten thousand people that had gathered on the square in Helsinki, the people in pubs around the country and those at home. As I was sitting there it struck me; this was just like clubbing.

It’s right at the end. It’s 03:10 AM. You know that within a couple of minutes the slow songs will start playing. You may have had a few opportunities during the night but nothing to show for it. You realise that you only have a few minutes left to make it happen. Subconsciously you know that the game is lost, that you will go home alone yet again, but you still stay, because you have a tiny bit of hope left. You hope that by some miracle you will succeed at the very last moment and score right at the buzzer. But just like the Finnish ice hockey team you never do.

However, after a night out you go for some junk food with your buddies, talk about women, what went wrong and “the next time”, after which you go home, whack off and all seems right with the world again. You go to sleep relatively happy with yourself.

Right now, Finland needs a good old collective jerk off and maybe everything will be okay again.

Night at home

It has been ages since I stayed at home on a saturday. Usually I *think* about staying at home but never follow through with it. Tonight was different though. I didn't really feel up to it. I have a bad cold, I was tired and no one else was going out. So I am staying in tonight.

Anyway, I recently wrote a song for my grandmother who passed away. Thought I'd post it here as well.

Take a moment, relax, light a candle, think of your loved ones and I hope you'll enjoy it.

www.ourmedia.org/node/172074

I had a dream

I had a dream last night.
Me and my buddies were having our annual midsummer party vacation to Åland. Oddly enough the camping place we usually stay at had been moved to an intersection about ten minutes away from where I live, just across the bridge. So technically I guess we were in Vasa…well, anyhoo…

We were partying as usual, just being our crazy-ass selves. The next morning I got up and asked my brother if he wanted breakfast. No reply. I went over to his room… this is where it gets really weird because we lived in a mobile home, one of those camper thingies and everyone who has ever been in one knows that the idea of separate rooms is ridiculous…well, he wasn’t in his room. So I started running around to every room, checking if he was there asleep. My brother was nowhere to be found. I did find Martin passed out under the staircase though.

Me and martin decided to have breakfast with a couple of Swedes who lived in a tent near the entrance gates to Vaasan Sähkö (local power plant). There was a blond fat chick, a brunette fat chick and two weirdos. We actually met those last summer. Well, me and martin ate their sausages…NO! Not THOSE sausages…regular fried sausage! Geez, you and your dirty imagination. Wipe that stupid grin off your face! Let’s get back to the story…

So it was now afternoon-early evening. All the others had shown up by now, including my mother and my uncle, my friend Marcus’ grandparents and his mother and some other people I have never seen before. We sat down at the gigantic table (it was probably 10 metres long) and started serving the food someone had prepared. Right about that time we hear a crashing sound and see my brother coming out of some bushes nearby, soaking wet with a huge grin on his face. Everyone stares, especially our mother.

- “Where the fuck have you been, dude?” exclaims Martin, still being a bit drunk from the previous night.
There is a crazy gleam of excitement in my brother’s eyes as he draws for a breath. His grin becomes wider. Then he yells out:
- “Oh man what a night! I met this chick and went home with her and f**ked her brains out!…Okay so she f**ked MY brains out…Sorry for the yelling by the way. I can’t hear a thing, damn tinnitus, must have been the music last night”
By now I look over and see my mom sitting with her mouth gaping and her eyes as big as sauce pans.
- “But why are you soaking wet?” I ask hesitantly.
- “ Well, I had to jump in a hotel pool to wash the pu**y smell off of me”, my brother laughs. “Damn that s**t has a nasty smell!”
My mother’s head explodes.

Okay so the last line didn’t happen but it was darn close.

In other non related news; I discovered that you can massage your farts out by rubbing your belly in a similar motion to gneading dough. Start about two inches above your belly button and press downwards. Very useful if you have “trapped” farts.

I hate tuesdays too

Today I feel horrible. I have a really bad cold, I can’t sleep at night because I wake up because my nose is clogged or I feel extremely warm and it’s not the kind of warm that gets better when you throw your blanket on the floor. No, this kind of warm is the feeling that your eyes are eggs that are being cooked in their sockets (which would be okay if they were being fried as I like fried eggs but they are boiled and I hate boiled eggs) and are about to explode.

This morning I also felt that my muscles and joints are starting to ache…not really pain but more like fatigue, like after you have worked out intensely for a couple of months and it’s time to take a week off. On the up-side though, because I can’t sleep I get up at 7 every day and go to work at a reasonable hour.

Why am I telling you this when I usually talk about partying and s**t? Well, because this will no doubt be affecting my party schedule. I doubt I will recuperate for Saturday, which means I will have to stay at home. It has been ages since I did that. I have been out at least once every week for at least six months. Still, it probably won’t be that bad.

My cousin is coming home for a visit from London this week, which means her brother (my party-brother in arms) will stay at home and pretend to be holy…like that bearded dude that started a religion way back…What was his name?… Jerry Garcia, that’s it! Wait… he wasn’t very holy was he? I must be thinking of someone else.

Another one of my friends is ill at the moment. Probably the same thing I’ve got, plus his girlfriend is going away for two weeks so they’ll spend some quality time (translation: they’ll be f**king like rabbits) together before she goes, which means he won’t go out either.

Yeah, it won’t be that bad. There’ll be a new party on Tuesday anyway that I’m going to go to.

I hate mondays

I hate Mondays. You just can’t win on a Monday can you? If your weekend was excellent, you partied hard, hit on chicks and they seemed to respond well (at least that’s what you thought when they stuck their tongue down your throat), who knows, maybe you even got to make the beast with two backs, then Monday will be depressing because you have five days of work or school or whatever ahead of you. All work and no play make a dull boy you know. Monday will be an anti-climax of galactic proportions.

On the other hand, if you had a crappy weekend, you are bummed out because it’ll be another five or so days until you can rectify the problem…huh huh…I said “rectify”…sounds like “rectum”…huh huh. Since I usually party on Saturday nights it’s six whole days of agonising torment before I can again bask in the glory that is party-hardy-day. Then of course you are struck by the immense fear that the next weekend will suck too, and you are in a mental shit-hole. I am of course talking about a situation where going out and partying is your whole life, which isn’t true in my case. I have loads of other things to do…like…umm…hang on…let me think for a minute…ummm…OH, NOW I’ve GOT IT !… no wait…just a fart escaping…hope no one noticed. Well, anyway…

This weekend was in the latter category. I am not completely sure as to why it sucked. Maybe martin can fill us in on that one. Myself, I just had a feeling that it sucked Donkey Kong’s balls. It wasn’t that there weren’t any women out, ‘cause there were quite a few. Maybe not “walk into a wall-attractive” but still, clearly above average. Maybe it was the fact that we have finally figured out that at the end of the night Fontana’s dance floor is packed with horny guys, which wouldn’t be all that bad unless they were all hitting on the four chicks there (who will later go home with each other and giggle about all the pathetic losers on the killing floor). It seems to me that Fontana is the only club in town where this happens. In other clubs you have quite a few chicks staying to the very end. Maybe they are more desperate or something. Or maybe it’s because Fontana is the “meat market” and by last call everyone who are interested in going home and bumping pelvises are already doing that.

It’s probably the same with all major party holidays, Christmas, New Years, Pampas’ Independence Day, you have all these expectations that all just turn to poo the next morning…sometimes literally. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about.

I have two alternative solutions.
The first one is to never expect anything, and party only moderately. Every weekend should have the exact same amount of fun and carnal pleasure, sort of like communism. And we all know how THAT turned out (don’t give me that crap about Cuba, no one wants to make it with Castro anyway, why do you think he’s still pissed at the US?).

The second solution, which is my favourite one, is to party so freakin’ hard that you just can’t think straight, puke your brains out, spend all your money, dance ‘til your feel bleed and fall asleep on someone else’s couch or in police custody (extra points for VD’s contracted). You party until you can’t party anymore and go around like a zombie for the entire week. By the time the next weekend rolls around you should be allright again.

Watching another guy's dong

Today I am feeling a lot better. Yesterday was the day from hell, or the Evil One’s ass. Well, to be fair to the Evil One, I pretty much brought that one on myself. You see, I went out partying on wednesday.

Me and one of my friends went to a club called Gigglin’ Marlin. There was a...how should I put this...”erotic party” there so there were quite a lot of people there. We waited to get in for about 40 minutes and we got there 10 minutes after they opened the door. That should tell you a bit about the length of the line to get in.

They had strippers there, which was probably one of the reasons for the popularity. The female stripper was a leggy blonde with what I’m guessing was silicone implants. She was quite old I think. It was the best strip show I have seen (of the roughly 10 I’ve seen). The reason was that it was quite funny. She brought a dude out of the crowd so she could...umm...rub herself a bit on him or something. She had some ice there as well and at one point she put a hadfull of ice under the guy’s shirt and slid it down under his pants. It was hilarious.

The male stripper wasn’t quite as entertaining. He wasn’t in all that good of a shape either. He doesn’t have a lot more years of stripping ahead of him if he doesn’t lay off the sausage and beer I tell you. But he did have a shaved/waxed ass...or some weirdo disease where your ass-hair falls off.
He also brought a girl from the crowd out but didn’t really do anything interesting. He did flash his dong really quickly though. At first it looked like a pretty massive thing but the second time they were on (that time they did a combined show) I was standing on the little stage and his meat flute looked a lot smaller...and flaccid, even though that stripper had been rubbing herself and stuff all over him. Maybe he was gay...or impotent or something...Or maybe it was his wife. Okay he was above average but it wasn’t THAT enormous. I was quite disappointed actually. If I am going to watch another guy’s bat and balls he’d better be a tripod.

I didn’t see that blond little chick I am looking for though. I did meet another girl I’ve been chatting now and then with. That was the reason I didn’t get any more than 40 minutes of sleep. I s**t you not! I fell asleep at 06:50 and woke up at 07:30 to get to work. BUT we didn’t do anything. Because I’m a gentleman...no...I’m lying... I am impotent actually ;)

I told you so!

Well, I knew it would happen, I told you it would happen; I saw that blond girl again. The one I was talking about a while ago. Did I go talk to her? No I didn’t. Why? Well, she was with some dude. But I know she recognised me though.

I went out last night. There was a band playing at Gigglin Marlin. A Finnish band called Uniklubi or something. I had never heard them before, which came as a major surprise to my Finnish co-partyers. They were quite good actually even if the volume was way too loud. One of them played a Les Paul Supreme. Anyway, that’s where I saw the chick. I only saw her once though because I was ...umm...busy...with...umm...other things.

About two-three months ago I decided I would go out partying...on a wednesday. They had a singles-party at a club (the party was shit). There I met this chick and to make a long story short (to annoy my sister who as she is reading this is saying: ”come on I want the whole story!) I came home twenty minutes before I was supposed to be at work.. BUT we didn’t do anything...okay okay so we did do SOMETHING...but no hot sweaty monkey lovin’.
And that was the same girl I met yesterday as well.

So as I was ummm...”spending time” with her I didn’t really have time to look for that little blond chick. But don’t worry, I’ll find her cute little ass someday when I don’t have someone elses tongue in my mouth. And then WHAMMO, I’ll pounce like a tiger...or at the very least go up to her and nervously say: ”hi”. And she’ll say ”hi” and her boyfriend will show up looking all pissed or something.

But you probably want to hear about the chick I did meet. Well, she was Finnish so I got to practice some Finnish (I love picking up Finnish chicks as it is a great way to practice my ..umm..oral skills :p ), short brunette, maybe not the slimmest of the bunch (shut up! She wasn’t THAT big) but she had humongous...”eyes”. I’m such a sucker for big...eyes. And you know what? I FINALLY managed to get a chick to buy me a drink..but to be honest I didn’t even ask, she just asked if I was drinking coke as usual and she got me one. SCORE!

And how did it all turn out? Well, she asked me for a ride home, I said sure.
What?
You can’t ask me that!

A gentleman never tells ;)

It's getting to be spring

That must be what it is. Spring is coming.
Last weekend me and my friends went to Royal Night. Usually the place is pretty...umm...non violent but this time there were two fights that broke out on the dance floor, one of which one of my mates were involved in. Something about some dude bumping into him or touching him and my mate grabbing his bat and balls..Which oddly enough only made the dude smile.

I am starting to wonder if the place has become a hot spot for the gay community in town. A normal guy would kill you if you fondled his goodie bag but that dude seemed to enjoy it (from what I heard). I have myself also been on the receiving end of a gay guys advances there.

Anyway, to the spring thing.
When it gets closer to spring you get a bit...excited. Then you go out, get smashed and try to pick up some chick. You fail, become angry and fights break out...sort of like Resident Evil...only without the zombies...and the virus...and dogs without skin...Okay it's nothing like Resident Evil..I just wanted to mention that I watched the movie. It wasn't as bad as I thought.

I have come to the conclusion that I should start going to more nightclubs than I use to. If you go only to one place the chicks there will notice you and see that you are a loser with no life. But if you have several places to go to you will seem less desperate as you are not seen so much trying to pick up chicks. You also won't get bored with seeing the same old faces every weekend.
Yes, that is what I will do.